"Please Shut Up!"

"Shut Up" was a bad word in my house. It was the way my brother and I talked to each other for most of our childhood. But, it was what I wanted to say to my community group that I lead at church. Not because they were talking too much or not listening to each other, but because they wanted to know my heart. As the leader of the group, I take great pride in probing and drawing people out. I love to faciliate sharing. I love it when I ask a good question and I can get people to open up. Last night, my community group turned the tables on me. At one point, one of the guys in our group asked me how I was doing. At that moment, I felt cornered. I felt like I was a cat in the corner of the room about ready to be attacked by two dogs. The hair on my neck stood up and my claws were ready to come out. Inside I was scared, scared people would see how much pain I was in. Scared that people would probe and see my distress and my loss of hope. I so badly wanted to say, "Please Shut up! You don't know what I am going through and right now I don't want any simple answers!!. This is my show...I do the talking...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!" But, instead of fighting or avoiding, I opened my mouth and uttered a couple of words. I didn't want to, I was scared, skeptically and afraid that I was being exposed. But, it was really good that I did. I didn't share every detail, I didn't completely expose myself. But, I was honest and I placed my heart into my groups hands. The beautiful thing is they took my heart and lifted it up to Jesus for me. I couldn't do it on my own. I was to absorbed with my skeletons, my lovers and my fears. But, they spoke to Jesus for me. Honestly, it was really freeing. At the same time, I felt very sad. I felt sad that I talk about honesty and vulnerability, but I very rarely practice it. I miss out on experiencing the grace of Christ through the body. I feel leaders in the "emerging" church (whatever that is) will lead out of need for Christ and His Body. I am so ashamed by the shell I wear. The shell that hides me, that keeps the secrets that have power over me. But often my shell is the only thing I have to protect me from the perceived arrows and monsters of life. I think I need to shut up more and quiet the voices of self-reliance and hear the wooing of Christ through His Word and fleshed out in his rag-tagged army, His church.

Thirsting for more...

Jodie and I watched the Prime Time Special with Brad Pitt last night. I know, I know...I am a sell out. I found Brad Pitt's interview to be fascinating, brewing and bubbling with thirst. Here is a guy who has everything - money, fame and a pretty ex-wife. But, he seemed wrestling for something more. Most of the special focused on his work with the One organization that Bono has started to fight poverty and AIDs in Africa. Brad's anxiety and wrestleness caused me to stop and evaluate my own heart. My own quest for peace, my endless struggle with being without rest and my own sadness. I have been reading Augustine's Confession. Besides the book being more wordy then I am...it's awesome!! I had to read it in seminary but never took time to listen to Augustine. I never realized the courage he mustered to tell his story - a story of brokeness and redemption. On the back cover of the book one quote is printed and it goes like this:

"You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours."

A man who tasted and longed for Christ. A man who sought his life to know God's peace. As I think about my own life, I am the stereotypical pomo adult. I am self absorbed, some times aloof, filled with anxiety and cyncism. I long for those layers of self-protection to be melted away by the One who has touched me.

What I love about the book is that he can't keep from coming back to Jesus because he is beautiful, satisfying and larger then Augustine's problems and unrest. Augustine's God cannot be controlled and boxed. But, he also isn't a God who is a loof or distant. I need to be reminded again, I need my heart to be stirred and wooed by the goodness of recreation. I need to be called again and again to the new story He has made for me. The new story I am a part of even though I forget about it.
Jeff

Knowing your past?

As you may or may not know, I really enjoy the area of counseling. I am intrigued by how we as humans think, feel and act. I marvel at people who come through difficult and painful situations. I also have a heart for people who are broken and hurting. I am more and more convinced that God is a redeemer and re-Creator of those shameful and sinful areas of our lives.

So, with that in mind. Here is what I am thinking. How should I look at my life, my entire life? This includes the dark and murky areas as well as the good areas of my life. Their is a lot of talk in Christianity right now about story. People argue that we need to see Scripture as story. Others claim instead of a 3 point sermon, we need to preach in story form. I love both of these ideas of interpretation and explanation of the Scriptures. However, the question I want to ask is, ''Does the Bible give us a precident to look at our life as story?" If so, how should we look at and interpret our past? Does looking at our past involve revisting and retelling our pasts? Do our stories of the past shape, influence and to one part determine who we are, what we do and how we live?

Those of us who hold in high regard both the disciplines of Biblical and Systematic theology - Is doing Biblical theology of our lives, including our past really psychology babble? I know that in seminary we studied both the Old and New Testament. Actually, I feel like I understand the Old Testament better then the New. But, we study the Old to see how the pictures, images, stories finds it's culimination in Christ. Is it wrong to see the contours of our lives and how the past's joys and tradegies shape who we are today?

Honestly, I wonder sometimes if we minimize and downplay the impact of our pasts. Maybe because I have been challenged to think critically about my story. My life, my family system, the things I regret and try to hide from. One friend has encouraged me to write the story of my life, which I am doing, the good parts and all. It's been good, but really hard. I am just starting on that journey. Anyway, give me your thoughts on it.