"Please Shut Up!"

"Shut Up" was a bad word in my house. It was the way my brother and I talked to each other for most of our childhood. But, it was what I wanted to say to my community group that I lead at church. Not because they were talking too much or not listening to each other, but because they wanted to know my heart. As the leader of the group, I take great pride in probing and drawing people out. I love to faciliate sharing. I love it when I ask a good question and I can get people to open up. Last night, my community group turned the tables on me. At one point, one of the guys in our group asked me how I was doing. At that moment, I felt cornered. I felt like I was a cat in the corner of the room about ready to be attacked by two dogs. The hair on my neck stood up and my claws were ready to come out. Inside I was scared, scared people would see how much pain I was in. Scared that people would probe and see my distress and my loss of hope. I so badly wanted to say, "Please Shut up! You don't know what I am going through and right now I don't want any simple answers!!. This is my show...I do the talking...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!" But, instead of fighting or avoiding, I opened my mouth and uttered a couple of words. I didn't want to, I was scared, skeptically and afraid that I was being exposed. But, it was really good that I did. I didn't share every detail, I didn't completely expose myself. But, I was honest and I placed my heart into my groups hands. The beautiful thing is they took my heart and lifted it up to Jesus for me. I couldn't do it on my own. I was to absorbed with my skeletons, my lovers and my fears. But, they spoke to Jesus for me. Honestly, it was really freeing. At the same time, I felt very sad. I felt sad that I talk about honesty and vulnerability, but I very rarely practice it. I miss out on experiencing the grace of Christ through the body. I feel leaders in the "emerging" church (whatever that is) will lead out of need for Christ and His Body. I am so ashamed by the shell I wear. The shell that hides me, that keeps the secrets that have power over me. But often my shell is the only thing I have to protect me from the perceived arrows and monsters of life. I think I need to shut up more and quiet the voices of self-reliance and hear the wooing of Christ through His Word and fleshed out in his rag-tagged army, His church.