Pilgrim's Journey

New Blog

2006-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

Jodie and I have decided to start a blog together over at Word press. The name of our new blog is A Beautiful Collision. Click here to check it out.

A Mother's Rite of Passage

2006-11-08T06:54:00.000-08:00

Hi there, it's Jodie. Sorry to those of you who come here to hear from Jeff, but I thought I'd give this blogging thing a try.

This past Friday was Liesl's 1st birthday. We had a little lunch party for her and she had her little cupcake and all. I did the party with the intention of celebrating her life with friends and to mark the milestone in a sort of official way. However, after it was over I realized that the party was probably more for ME as her mother. These past couple of days have been very meaningful for me (translation: I'm over-analyzing my life). Seeing my baby turn 1 marks the end of the "baby phase" and the beginning of a new phase in my role as a "mother." Sort of a rite of passage for me....

Here is a photo of Liesl on her birthday, enjoying her cake and the moment. She's such an awesome little person. A true pleasure.

Halloween a week early

2006-10-31T06:55:00.000-08:00

In Hanover, Halloween is always celebrated the Tuesday before Halloween, even if Halloween is on a Tuesday. So, here is a couple of pictures from trick or treating last week.

Off to Camp

2006-06-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am off to Victory Jam summer camp this week. We are taking five kids which is a big group for us. I do hope God uses this in the lives of our students. Pray for me as I am stuck in a room with a bunch of middle school boys for the week. By the end of the week, the room smells a bit rank. In all honesty, I look forward to the opportunity of investing into these kids lives. Several of these kids carry some deeps wounds from living in a fallen world. I hope Jesus will awaken their hearts to see Him.

Reform and Resurge Conference

2006-06-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am currently listening to the Reform and Resurge conference that Mars Hill Church sponsored back in May. You can download several of the messages for free. I especially like Darrin Patrick's message "The Life and Death of the Missional Leader." It is a very challenging message to listen to. Especially for those of us who think ministry is about accomplishment, self-fulfillment (ie your own glory). Check it out and let me know what you think.

Hello

2006-06-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am back from the dead. It has been almost two months since I have blogged. I struggle with this blog thing because I feel I have nothing to say. I was graciously reminded that a blogpost doesn't have to be profound. Also, I am not that profound. So, I am going to try to be normal and tell you what is going on in the McMullen household. Part of my blog hiatus has been due to my crazy life. The pastor of our church has been on Sabbatical since May 1st and I have been taking a big chunk of the responsibilities he has. I feel like I am starting to get a hang of the workload. I am really appreciative for the opportunity to serve the church in this way. I am getting a taste of what it means to be a senior pastor and the responsibilty that is involved with that. It also has made me aware of some of my strengths and weakness I haven't noticed before. The summer is in full swing and I am busy trying to get into people's lives and steer this thing we call the church. It is very interesting. I would appreciate your prayers.

Community

2006-04-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been put in charge of overseeing and developing the small group ministry at church. At Hanover Valley, we believe small groups are the "backbone" of the church. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what constitutes biblical community, what that looks like and why that matters for the spreading of God's kingdom. One book that has been a welcomed companion on this journey has been The Pursuit of God in the Company of Friends by Richard Lamb. Though I am only a quarter of the way through the book, what I most appreciate Lamb's assessment of biblical community has come from his experience of being in community. Lamb calls himself a "recovering nerd." He explains how in college he naturally felt awkward about impromptu social situations. In his chapter, on the "Hospitality of God" he points out five elements of a hospitable community:
1. Physical space - a place that is welcoming like a living room or dining room or kitchen to relax and enjoy relationships with one another.
2. Time - Time set aside to encourage relationships
3. Social space - thinking about what would help people be at ease in a social setting.
4. Emotional space - asking appropriate questions in group settings that spark further discussion.
5. Spiritual space - spending time to pray and reflect on people's needs and concerns. So, they might enter into deeper, more authentic relationships with others.

I appreciate Lamb's reflections on hospitality. I feel the major way evangelism and discipleship happens is through befriending and spending significant amounts of time sharing our lives with each other. Not only with people we like or who are in our social or economic class, but those who are different from us. Those whom society deems as outcasts or the forgot of our culture. What would it mean if we purposely pursued those relationships in the name of Jesus?

Our Words Mean Something

2006-03-22T05:43:00.000-08:00

For the past five weeks I have been leading a communication workshop. The group has consisted of me and five women. I have enjoyed getting to know these women and their unique struggles as parents. Needless to say, this workshop has made me think a lot about talking. I think conversation is a loss art form in our culture, especially in the church. We speak at each other, but we don't talk with each other. We want to be heard, we want to vent; but we don't know how to listen or speak redemptively into each other's lives. It's funny because God creates the world through speaking. God uses his words to speak life into being. He creates the earth, sky, water, night/day, vegetation by speaking. God's words due something. It's funny how St. John picks up on Genesis 1&2 when he speaks of Christ being the Word. God not only speaks life into being, but God becomes the embodiment of his communication in the God-man Jesus Christ. Speaking is the means by which God uses us to love one another. We are called to speak words of life to each other. God uses our words to speak order and meaning into our lives of chaos and darkness. Much more can be said about this. Alas, I have run out of time.

Tattoo or calfskin Bible?

2006-02-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is a weird post. But, for my birthday my wife has said I can either get a tattoo or a calfskin Bible. Honestly, I am really confused about what I want. I have wanted a tattoo for about two years now. I know everyone has a tattoo now. I don't want a barbed wire tattoo to show off my massive arms (joke) or a dolphin on my ankle. I thought about getting a Trinitarian symbol or a Celtic cross. Both symbols represent my union with Christ. But, I am afraid I will get sick of it and want to laser it off in two years. On the other hand, a calfskin bible is the Cadillac of all bibles. I won't have to buy another bible again. I have this bonded leather bible I bought in November and it is falling a part. It was all I could afford. So, I am asking for your opinion. What do you think?

30 yrs. old

2006-02-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

I turn 30 yrs. old today. I can't believe it! My twenties are officially over. I feel like an adult now. It's hard to believe that I have been married 61/2 years and have two children. Half of the time I still think I am 19. It's funny how my life seems to fly by. It is cool to see how much I have changed. I think God has done some major healing in my life in the last ten years. I am definitely not as fearful or overly sensitive as I was. I also think I love people a little better. It's also funny to think that I am also still the same person I was when I was nine years old. I still throw tantrums and live for the approval of those I love. I still like video games and basketball. I still dream about the future and what I will be and where I will live. It's cool to see how the story of my youth has great continuity with the story of my adulthood. I look forward to how my story will unfold in the next decade of my life as the Lord Jesus continues to make my story, his story.

A jealous love part 1

2006-02-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across 2 Corinthians 11:1-3:
"I wish you would bear with me in a little foolishness. Do bear with me! I feel a divine jealousy for you, for I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ. But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ."

These verses have been tumbling around in my head for the last five days. These verses show me this intense devotion Paul has to love those who are on his path. He knows the weaknesses of the Corinthians. He knows what seduces and deceives them. His love for their wellbeing drives him to pour out his life for God's beloved. Paul seems to be the broker in this wedding deal between the church and Christ. He is the one who has made a promise to present her to Christ as a pure virgin. The question I keep asking myself is "What am I jealous for in the lives of those I love?" Often I am jealous of people and what they possess. But, I am often not jealous for what they could become. I am finding the work of the church is tied up in knowing who people are and what they struggle with. It is understanding what deceives them, what keeps them from moving closer to their Bridegroom. I want to flesh this out more, but the church needs to be a community of people who know each other. A community that sees each other on the journey of life, a place to belong. I would encourage you to check out Jerry's blog he is trying to wrestle with what it means to create community among college students. Anyway, I have to run.

I am still here

2006-01-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I am still alive. This last month has been very intense. I have been studying for ordination and finished my last written exam this past week. The kids have been sick and ministry continues to move forward at a relentless pace. Anyway, I miss posting. I have a ton of thoughts swirling in my head. I will try to update you again soon.

Homelessness

2005-12-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

For the next couple of weeks the local paper in town is confronting the homeless problem here. Many people in Hanover want to turn a blind eye to the problem. Over the last month, I have gotten to know a couple of homeless people in town. Even before I knew about the paper's investigation. This past Sunday, my friend Bernard was front page on the paper. By a series of events so is my family. Check it out here

Pray for our church. As a result of getting to know Bernard, several of his friends are coming to church. It's great, but hard. Our new friends have many needs and painful stories. Wisdom, grace and patience is needed to love our new friends well. Being involved with the homeless community in Hanover has been challenging and very rewarding. For the last couple of weeks, I keep thinking about Jesus words in Matthew 25:31-40

The Final Judgment

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, [6] you did it to me.’

Part of being aligned to the kingdom means that we must be involved in caring and reaching out to the poor, the widow and the oppressed. The kingdom of God is about being made new and renewed in Christ. The practical implications of our new humanity, means we seek those out who are broken by sin. The more I read and think about this passage, the more I find this passage to be a stumbling block. I know their are other passages that help shape, nuance and balance my perspective on caring for the poor. However, the weight of Jesus' command here, is extchallenginglanging.

Me and the Kids

2005-11-23T19:08:00.000-08:00

Like Father, Like Son - Intensity

2005-11-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

This Side of 1984

2005-11-22T10:41:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Lesslie Newbigin's The Other Side of 1984. I plan on doing several posts on this essay. It has made a great impact on me. I found this essay on a bargain book table at Hearts and Minds (see the link. An awesome place to visit and shop online). Newbigin wrote this essay believing people would be evaluating the state of British society and comparing it to what George Orwell predicted what life in 1984 would be like. Newbigin spends the first part of the essay explaining and evaluating our modern culture. What I found fascinating about his analysis and critique of modernism, is how prophetic he is. He wrote this in 1983 and in my opinion I think he has put his finger on the pulse of American culture right now. Newbigin exposes the limitations of the modernist worldview. He explains how all the promises of the scientific method of being able to observe and verify reality while at the same time abandoning myths and stories has left people without hope.

He said, "In the subsequent years of ministry in England I have often been asked: "What is the greatest difficulty you face in moving from India to England?" I have always answered: "The disappearance of hope." I believe that everyone who has made the same move will bear me out. Even in the most squalid slums of Madras there was always the belief that things could be improved...In England, it is hard to find any such hope...For the elderly and the middle-aged there is, for the most part, only the hope of keeping reasonably comfortable amid the disintegration of so many of the familiar values. For very many of the young there is only the terrible spectre of nuclear war, with nothing beyond."

When I read this quote I was speechless. Newbigin articulated for me what I see here, people who live without hope. It's not only those who don't believe the Gospel, but those who align themselves with Jesus. The kids I work with, the couples I talk to are so filled with doubt and uncertainity. They live in stable homes and are a part of a safe community. They live a reasonable lifestyle. But, they are plagued by doubt and hopelessness. Even though they seem to have it all. The challenge is, how does the Resurrected Jesus call them to live out of a new framework, a new story? I hope to flesh more of this out in the next couple of posts.

The New One and Brother

2005-11-13T13:58:00.000-08:00

See what good genes produce? Okay, let me clarify, it's my wife's good genes.

Bigger then myself

2005-11-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

For those of you have been through the birthing process, you know what a surreal experience it is . Seeing Liesl come into this world snapped me out of my self-absorbed funk and helped me to see again that I am part of something larger than myself. I live in a world that I try to control, manufacture and conquer. Seeing the birth of my daughter reminded me again that everything is a gift. My wife and I couldn't control her health, when she would arrive or what she looks like. We don't know what her life will be like. We don't know what she will struggle with or be successful at. She will have to live her story before her Author.

For a moment I was a part of something bigger then me and it made me aware that the same God who has hand on my daughter's life, is the same God who has me firmly in his hands. I don't know where my path of life will go and the unique struggles and challenges I will face. I don't know if I will die of cancer or if I will live to be 103. But, St. Paul's words give me comfort and strength as I take on this life of uncertainty and chaos. "For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." (Romans 14:7-8)

Because I belong to Jesus via His death and resurrection, He has promised himself to me and I am free to move into others lives, to think about church in new ways and to love my family boldly.

2005-11-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Hi again! Wow! Life has been full of transitions. First, in the middle of October we bought our first house. Second, on November 3rd my wife gave birth to our 2nd child. Liesl Rose came into this world at 4:06 pm at 6 lbs. 7oz.. Mom and baby are well. I promise I will start blogging again soon.

2005-09-09T07:26:00.000-07:00

"This life therefore, is not Righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yeat what we shall be, but we are growing toward it; the process is not yet finished but it is going on. This is not the end of the road; all does not yet gleam in glory but all is being purified."
- Martin Luther

"The Spirit was the central promise of the new covenant: God would dwell with all his people intimately and equally. This is now our reality. In the Spirit of Jesus, God has made his home with us. This presence, this gift, lifts our humanity to a new order."
- Mark Strom

These two quotes have fed me this week. The quote by Luther reminds me that change in my life and change in the life of others will never be finished this side of Heaven. I have realized this week I often want myself and others to arrive at a particular point so I no longer have to struggle or bear the struggles of others. But, their is something, greater more powerful at work in me, the Spirit of the living God. The quote by Strom is awesome. It reminds me that if you belong to Jesus the Spirit makes his home with us and nothing, I mean nothing can destroy that relationship. God has staked his Son's life on it. Our marriage relationship to Jesus cannot be broken. In the words of Paul "For no one of us lives, and equally no one of us dies, for himself alone. If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. Whether therefore we live or die, we belong to the Lord."

Computer

2005-09-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hey, I am looking for either a donated laptop computer or one that is severly discounted. Since our church doesn't have an office, I am on the run a lot and would love a computer that I could set up shop and check my email. I don't want anything fancy. Just something I can carry around and that is capable of running highspeed internet as well as Windows and Microsoft Office. I have all the software I need. Also, I would love to have a CD-R drive. Thanks!

Foolishness

2005-09-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

I preached this past Sunday. At Hanover Valley, I get a lot of opportunities to preach. This Fall I will preach once a month. Most guys in my position would be drulling for the opportunities I have . I don't, I have a tendency to break out in a rash of panic and insecurity. Here's the thing, I am not a bad preacher. However, whenever I get up in that pulpit thing, I just feel so exposed, so naked when I preach. I feel like everyone gazes into my soul and sees my inability to preach. I know I will never be a Tim Keller, John Piper or any of those big wigs. I am not great with illustrations and I struggle with being faithful to the text and at the same time being practical. I am like a two year old trying to color, my sausage fingers fumble trying to handle the crayon. I often get so worked up and freaked out the night before that I turn off my heart when I get upfront to preach. I become a man who reads a document about God, instead of man who speaks of the God he is encountering and learning from.

Sunday morning I woke up at 5:30am to talk to Jesus. I started reading 1 Corinthians again. I came to chapter 2. I love chapter 2, it makes unpolished, neurotic young ministers feel better. However, instead of the passage making me feel better, I felt the freedom of speaking about Jesus. "When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God...We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but no the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began." I can't describe the specific impact the passage has made on me, but it has given me an intense freedom to be me. To not worry about who I think I should be, but to proclaim the Gospel, to speak of Jesus as awkardly and wordy as I may be, because it is about the Spirit who opens and changes hearts. It is about the Spirit who wants to open the hearts of those who stumble and those who are foolish to the beauty of Christ. I prayed with an earnestness I haven't felt before for that God would use this foolish man to speak. It's funny, God answered my prayers. I got the nice comments like "Good job! You are really growing in your preaching." But, their was one person who has recently started coming to church. He was weeping. So, we talked. He told me for the first time he realized how much Jesus loved him. The Gospel made sense to him. I sat there amazed and speechless. We prayed and thanked God for how he had broken through in His life. I saw the Spirit at work in a very powerful way. I too became a believer again in a God who is powerful and loving. A God who loves to make himself known. A God who uses His Word to make sense of our lives. It was beautiful, supernatural and simply mysterious.

The Glory Hound Wrestling With Jesus

2005-08-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

I want to follow up on my last entry. I received some helpful and encouraging feedback and I want to flesh out what I have been wrestling with. Everything I wrote on my last post is how I feel, but not what is true. I was recently reminded that I have been successful. A lot of great things have happened to me. I have a great family, I have graduate degree and I am throwing my life into a church I believe in and love. But, the fundamental issue I am wrestling with is my heart. A heart that always wants more. A heart that will not be satisfied until it finds rest in Jesus (Props to St. Augustine). God is stripping away my layers of self-reliance and refining my heart in the fires of His loving will for me. Anyway, it has been really good for me to face my ungratefulness. It is also painful to see your own heart. Through this all it has caused me to turn to Jesus in a deeper, more profound way.

Movie in the park

2005-08-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, our church put on a free movie for the community of Hanover. No, it wasn't the Ten Commandments or Ben Hur. Actually we watched Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder. Our church put the movie on to say to the community of Hanover that we are here to serve and love you. We were very encouraged by the turnout. We hope to make this a semi-regular thing. Being the church for the unchurched is hard. Especially if you have grown up in a Christian sub-culture like I have. But, I am convinced we need to be the church for those who don't know Jesus yet.

Glory Hound

2005-08-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

For sometime I have been struggling with this intense desire to be significant. In February I turn 30. To be honest, I am pretty scared about this. I am not getting any younger and I feel up to this point in my life I have not done anything significant. If you would have asked me two years ago where I wanted to be in five years, I didn't care and I didn't know. At 29, I am still wrestling and curious what the future holds, but I really care about who I am going to be and what type of ministry I am going to have. I don't deny the call on my life to minister to people right now in Hanover, PA. Secretly, I hope God will use this time of confusion and uncertainty to train me for a position of influence within my narrow church world. However, a deeper, more disturbing question is beginning to surface through the cracks of this self-centered hope, "What if you never become successful?" This is a question I am wrestling with. I know the answer in my head, but my heart is so slow and often resistant to accept it. It is causing me to wrestle with who I am and why this desire is so strong in my life. But more importantly, it is causing me to wrestle with who God is, my heart towards Him and His will for my life. A friend of mine recently said, "God is shattering your dreams, to give you new dreams." He is right, but it is hard. Dying to what you think you want your life to be is humbling, confusing and completely out of my hands.

Oakland

2005-08-16T13:39:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give you an update on our Oakland trip. I think the trip went well. It especially stretched the group from our church. The trip was quite simple. In the morning we put on a Vacation Bible School. In the afternoon we went to different ministries All Nations partners with and prayed for them. We did the work of the church - evangelism and prayer. Both the VBS and the prayer times stretched each of us in different ways. The VBS went well. We averaged about 12 kids per day. Several of the kids who came do not have a church home. All Nations was excited at this opportunity.

Being exposed to people of different cultures and backgrounds was a challenge for them. As many of you know I love food. I especially love Thai and Indian. As part of the trip, I wanted the group to be exposed to not only the different cultures of Oakland, but the food as well. So, five out of the six nights we were there we planned on eating at a different ethnic restaurants each night. For most of them it was a stretch. Most people were relieved when Wednesday rolled around and we dropped the Thai night and had American.

On Friday, we took the group to San Francisco. We not only toured the city, but also spent some time praying for it. On one part of the tour, we went to the "Gay Mecca" - The Castro. It was very interesting to see the reactions from our group. Most of the group were appalled by those in the gay life style. It was a great opportunity to talk about the Gospel and our brokenness as people. The missionary we partnered with in Oakland and I were able to express how we are no different then those struggling with their sexual identity. But, we are all broken and trying to making life work a part from Christ.

I think our trip showed us how God is building the Kingdom in the Bay Area. I hope our group will come back to Hanover with a renewed desire to see the kingdom built here.

Going West...

2005-07-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

I will be leading a group of eleven people on a Mission's Trip to Oakland, CA. Please pray for us. I think the trip is going to stretch our teams in a lot of ways. Hanover is a small town and greatly lacks diversity. Oakland is the most diverse city in America. Many of these kids have had little or no exposure to non-white people. Hanover is a conversative town, the Bay Area isn't. Pray our team will be willing to listen to those who view life differently. Pray God would open their eyes up to the diverse cultures God has created to reflect who He is. In Oakland we will put on a Bible Camp on behalf of All Nations Presbyterian Church. Pray God would use this opportunity to help All Nations be the hands of Christ in the Oakland community. We will also spend time praying for All Nations and the various ministries they partner with in the Bay Area. Lastly, pray for me. I am leading the trip. I have put a lot of work into it. But, my fear of failure, the unknown and disappointing others has been powerful lately. I have been driven by fear and not by the knowledge that God will use me despite what will happen.

The Races

2005-07-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I went with my next door neighbor to the "The Races." In Hanover, Lincolin Speedway is affectionally called "The Races." It's five hours of Sprint cars and Thunder cars going around a dirt track. It is church. People stand up and cheer for their favorite driver, while others stand up and boo the driver they hate. Rich, poor, professional and blue-collar worker come to forget about the problems of life for a while. People stop and visit with each other. People make and strengthen friendships at the track. For my neighbor it is one of the only times of his week that he is able to forget about the worries and stresses of life. I have to admit, I have never been in a situation quite like that.

London

2005-07-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

I am really having a tough time with the London terror attacks. I have friends there and London has a special place in my heart. My wife and I spent the summer of 2002 in Southhall. I don't know what to say, it just makes me sad, frustrated and pissed off at the human race. But, I am also not surprised either. I know this is what life in a fallen world is like. I am praying that God will use this bring healing, renewal and repentance. I pray that people will hear the sweet call of Jesus in the midst of brokeness and suffering.

FYI

2005-07-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

Wow! It has been almost a month since I have posted. Life has been busy with church stuff and life. Jodie, Ewan and myself got away last week. We had a great time being with each other. Ewan and I had fun playing in the Ocean and playing t-ball. I am so mad at my sister-in-law. She got him a Yankee's batting helmet for his birthday. Ewan loves it and thinks he is so cool. I feel like he is wearing Satan's crown when he puts it on around me. He does look cute though. I have been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I don't know where to or how to start. So, I will start with one of my favorite subjects...music. I get a subscription to Spin Magazine. I love it! For the month of July they listed the 100 greatest albums from 1985-now. While I was on vacation I read ever caption on every album. Here's the list of the top 11 albums of the last 20 years:

1. Radio Head, Okay Computer - Great no. 1 in my opinion. Completely original and cutting edge when it came out in 1997. Of course I didn't enjoy it like I should have when it came out. I was in my fundamentalism stage - boycotting good music so I could feel good about listening to cheesy Christian music.

2. Public Enemy, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back - A totally awesome album. I heard it for the first time in high school. I would listen to the album on my Walkman(remember those things) cutting my neighbor's lawn. Believe it or not I loved rap in high school before it was about the "bling-bling." I loved PE , De La Soul and Tribe Called Quest. I learned about the plight and oppression of African-Americans through rap music. It was so eye opening for a surburban, upper middle class Christian boy to hear about suffering and oppression.

3. Nirvana, Nevermind - Okay album. I am not a huge Cobain fan. The song Smells Like Teen Spirit was the most overplayed video ever on MTV.

4. Pavement, Slanted and Enchanted - Great group. I wish I have more of their albums. I am indebted to Jeremy Phillips introducing me to them.

5. The Smiths, The Queen is Dead - Ahh....Morissey!!! Their is no man who is more emotionally tortutured and beautiful at the same time. The first time I heard The Smiths I was in middle school. I feel in love with them then and Morissey is dear to my heart now. I would die to own a Smith's t-shirt.

6. Pixies, Surfer Rosa - Not familiar with the Pixies.

7. De La Soul, 3 Feet High and Rising - Again, a great album. The song Me, Myself and I was the da bomb back then. I still bust the album out on occasion.

8. Prince, Sign 'o' the Times - I am not a Prince fan. Everytime I hear a Prince song all I think about is the song Raspberry Baire - "The kind you find in a second hand store."

9. PJ Harvey, Rid of Me - I haven't heard the album and don't care too. Spin loves PJ Harvey. They nominated three albums by Harvey to be in the top 100.

10. N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton - My mommy wouldn't let me buy this album. This album is for big boys only. The only song I remember from that album is "Respect Yourself." I am sure the album rocks. Even now, I just don't know if I am man enough to listen to it.

11. U2, Achtung Baby - One of the best albums ever by U2. Better then Joshua Tree but not as good as Zooroopa. This album revolutionized modern music and was totally originally. This is one band I hope to see in concert before they break up. I had a dream not too long ago that I met Bono and we hung out talked about the ONE organization and music. It was a great dream.

Here's my beef with the top 11. No Coldplay!!! If you like them or not, they have revolutionized music in the last five years. Also, I was so PO that Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot came in at 77. For crying out loud, Prince came in at no. 8.. Jeff Tweedy can kick Prince's booty anyday. Anyway, feel free to post your top 11.

"Please Shut Up!"

2005-06-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Shut Up" was a bad word in my house. It was the way my brother and I talked to each other for most of our childhood. But, it was what I wanted to say to my community group that I lead at church. Not because they were talking too much or not listening to each other, but because they wanted to know my heart. As the leader of the group, I take great pride in probing and drawing people out. I love to faciliate sharing. I love it when I ask a good question and I can get people to open up. Last night, my community group turned the tables on me. At one point, one of the guys in our group asked me how I was doing. At that moment, I felt cornered. I felt like I was a cat in the corner of the room about ready to be attacked by two dogs. The hair on my neck stood up and my claws were ready to come out. Inside I was scared, scared people would see how much pain I was in. Scared that people would probe and see my distress and my loss of hope. I so badly wanted to say, "Please Shut up! You don't know what I am going through and right now I don't want any simple answers!!. This is my show...I do the talking...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!" But, instead of fighting or avoiding, I opened my mouth and uttered a couple of words. I didn't want to, I was scared, skeptically and afraid that I was being exposed. But, it was really good that I did. I didn't share every detail, I didn't completely expose myself. But, I was honest and I placed my heart into my groups hands. The beautiful thing is they took my heart and lifted it up to Jesus for me. I couldn't do it on my own. I was to absorbed with my skeletons, my lovers and my fears. But, they spoke to Jesus for me. Honestly, it was really freeing. At the same time, I felt very sad. I felt sad that I talk about honesty and vulnerability, but I very rarely practice it. I miss out on experiencing the grace of Christ through the body. I feel leaders in the "emerging" church (whatever that is) will lead out of need for Christ and His Body. I am so ashamed by the shell I wear. The shell that hides me, that keeps the secrets that have power over me. But often my shell is the only thing I have to protect me from the perceived arrows and monsters of life. I think I need to shut up more and quiet the voices of self-reliance and hear the wooing of Christ through His Word and fleshed out in his rag-tagged army, His church.

Thirsting for more...

2005-06-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Jodie and I watched the Prime Time Special with Brad Pitt last night. I know, I know...I am a sell out. I found Brad Pitt's interview to be fascinating, brewing and bubbling with thirst. Here is a guy who has everything - money, fame and a pretty ex-wife. But, he seemed wrestling for something more. Most of the special focused on his work with the One organization that Bono has started to fight poverty and AIDs in Africa. Brad's anxiety and wrestleness caused me to stop and evaluate my own heart. My own quest for peace, my endless struggle with being without rest and my own sadness. I have been reading Augustine's Confession. Besides the book being more wordy then I am...it's awesome!! I had to read it in seminary but never took time to listen to Augustine. I never realized the courage he mustered to tell his story - a story of brokeness and redemption. On the back cover of the book one quote is printed and it goes like this:

"You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours."

A man who tasted and longed for Christ. A man who sought his life to know God's peace. As I think about my own life, I am the stereotypical pomo adult. I am self absorbed, some times aloof, filled with anxiety and cyncism. I long for those layers of self-protection to be melted away by the One who has touched me.

What I love about the book is that he can't keep from coming back to Jesus because he is beautiful, satisfying and larger then Augustine's problems and unrest. Augustine's God cannot be controlled and boxed. But, he also isn't a God who is a loof or distant. I need to be reminded again, I need my heart to be stirred and wooed by the goodness of recreation. I need to be called again and again to the new story He has made for me. The new story I am a part of even though I forget about it.
Jeff

Knowing your past?

2005-06-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I really enjoy the area of counseling. I am intrigued by how we as humans think, feel and act. I marvel at people who come through difficult and painful situations. I also have a heart for people who are broken and hurting. I am more and more convinced that God is a redeemer and re-Creator of those shameful and sinful areas of our lives.

So, with that in mind. Here is what I am thinking. How should I look at my life, my entire life? This includes the dark and murky areas as well as the good areas of my life. Their is a lot of talk in Christianity right now about story. People argue that we need to see Scripture as story. Others claim instead of a 3 point sermon, we need to preach in story form. I love both of these ideas of interpretation and explanation of the Scriptures. However, the question I want to ask is, ''Does the Bible give us a precident to look at our life as story?" If so, how should we look at and interpret our past? Does looking at our past involve revisting and retelling our pasts? Do our stories of the past shape, influence and to one part determine who we are, what we do and how we live?

Those of us who hold in high regard both the disciplines of Biblical and Systematic theology - Is doing Biblical theology of our lives, including our past really psychology babble? I know that in seminary we studied both the Old and New Testament. Actually, I feel like I understand the Old Testament better then the New. But, we study the Old to see how the pictures, images, stories finds it's culimination in Christ. Is it wrong to see the contours of our lives and how the past's joys and tradegies shape who we are today?

Honestly, I wonder sometimes if we minimize and downplay the impact of our pasts. Maybe because I have been challenged to think critically about my story. My life, my family system, the things I regret and try to hide from. One friend has encouraged me to write the story of my life, which I am doing, the good parts and all. It's been good, but really hard. I am just starting on that journey. Anyway, give me your thoughts on it.

2005-05-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

"The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."

-Vincent Van Gogh

I stumbled upon this quote last week. It took me by surprised. First, because it was penned by Van Gogh and second because I think he is right. It's funny, we live in a culture that uses people for our own ends. We will love people when it is covenient or is of some advantage to us. I can accept that from the world, but I am really getting annoyed by the Christian community living like that. I am the first to admit that I take full responsibility for the way I love. I grumble and complain about loving people. I complain to my wife all the time about how people bug me, use me and inconvenient me. In Then again, isn't that what love is? Love of God and others costs us everything. It costs me my free time, my comfort and my emotional energy. Why? Because I believe life is lived for me.

At the same time, I am finding this desire springing up through this twisted roots of selfish a desire that wants to love others. Not only has that desire been springing up, I also want to love others well. Simple platitudes, trite answers and canned phrases annoy me. I believe they do more damage then good. When people share struggles about life, they often have burdens, frustrations and pain that ways them down. I am tired of the church being a place of easy, hollow spiritual answers. Jesus, Paul and the other Scripture writers never give people easy answers. They give answers that shape and recalibrate their perspectives on life. The answers they give are specific and tailored made to the people's particular struggles. To do this well is an art. When to talk, when to listen. When to rebuke and when to encourage calls us to take up the brush of redemption courageously and to create - to create a conversation that leads people to Jesus.

Starting over...

2005-05-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

I screwed up my old blog. I hope to be more faithful with this new one. I love to start over. I hate chaos, uncertainity, failure and things left undone. I think that is why I love video games. Let's say I lose a game of NBA Live 2004, I immediately start over. I decided to start over again after I screwed up the code and didn't know how to fix it. So, let's see how this blog goes.

Jeff